Los Angeles– January 4th, 2014
An unnamed doctor associated with the rehab of Clippers point guard Chris Paul’s shoulder injury has advised the team against trading their star power forward, Blake Griffin, for New York’s Carmelo Anthony on Saturday. This advisory came shortly after ESPN reporter Chris Broussard announced the two teams had discussed the possibility of a trade on Friday.
“Listen, just don’t make things worse for yourself. You’ve raised yourself out of contention for the worst run franchise in the league, that honor now solely belongs to Michael Jordan’s Bobcats/Hornets. You’re no longer the universal punchline of the Association, and you don’t have to do this. Remember that one movie with Will Ferrell where the one funny line was “I’m a Clippers fan,” and the commercials ruined it for the audience so that the entire film was just a waste of time? Do you want to go back to those days? Do you?” the doctor remarked, referencing the 2005 remake of Bewitched that currently garners a 4.7 out of 10 rating on the Internet Movie Database website.
When asked for comment, Doctor James Andrews of the Andrews Institute for Orthopedics & Sports Medicine in Gulf Breeze, Florida replied, “This is a little bit like a man trading away a healthy kidney for a smoker’s lung. It’s just not responsible. I mean, I get why the guy with the smoker’s lung is all about it, but the other dude is getting the dirty end of that stick.”
“This is about maintaining our identity,” Clippers general manager Gary Sacks responded, “For decades we have been an abysmal franchise. Lately, we’ve gotten away from that and it has hurt the exposure of our brand. In NBA power rankings, people usually gravitate towards reading either the top or the bottom of the list, and we need to get back to what we do best so we can retain the team’s image.”
After yet another soul-crushing loss in which he came up short on Friday, Carmelo Anthony said in the postgame presser, “I would love to take my talents to Orange Beach and become their star defensive liability. Further, it looks like they’ve developed some nice chemistry down there and it would be my pleasure to muck that up a bit before they start scouring the league for an opportunity to dump my bloated contract.”
Blake Griffin had no comment, only he did stare soulfully into this reporter’s eyes for several minutes, causing minor discomfort.